Debralynn

It's time to get serious.  It's time to do something with my life.  I need a direction and I need a goal.  I'm stuck in not knowing what I want.  There is a lot of sludge here, old murky sludge running through my veins.

I no longer have a desire for anything anymore.  Nothing, Nada.

What I feel like doing is curling into a fetal position and just die.  I don't feel I should be here anymore.  I'm taking resources from the planet that could serve others in a better way.

I'm living in a toxic situation.  I'm a burden, the bad guy, the one that get ganged up on.  I know why I'm feeling like this.  It's because I know the realities of life.  It's all too much to overcome.

No Easter Bunny
No Santa
No Heaven
No Hell

This life only.  This is it...and I've blown it.

That is my crime.

What have I blown?  Taking care of myself first.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: drained

I read a former lover's comment about his "blissful" relationship with a certain married couple. He says, to experience this bliss, "Wish everyone could experience this sort of loving connection; all that is required is an openness to receive." Just a minute. What a crock of shit this is, especially from him and them. They that are so stuck on themselves. They stick their noses up in the air, and only play with beautiful people, or people whom they deem to be beautiful. You must be "chosen" and "good enough" to play in their league.

It's a bit hard to receive when you know the giver is resenting the giving. It's hard to receive when you know the giver does not care about your wants or needs, will not play with you, will not love you because you don't fit with their ideas about what they think the perfect partner for them is.

I say, how sad for you. How sad that you need to be co-dependent with these people. How sad to reject pure love from the heart because the package isn't wrapped in beautiful paper. To know you are loved, and reject that love is a choice. In the very least, stop pretending you are an open minded person. Why don't you people just say, Look, we're stuck up and we are so insecure about who we are, that we need to look good in the eyes of others, so we only play with people that will help to make us look good.

As I have said before, "You have no idea what you are missing". You never really knew me sexually, because you would never fully accept me and give me the chance to fully be myself in that way and you know it. "You", know who you are. You know what I"m saying is true.  You write about these people that you so admire quite a bit.  I wonder...do they think of you in the same way?

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: triggered and bitchey

Current Music: None

I remember thinking the other day as I was looking out of my kitchen window, that the trees in front of my house have grown so much that I can no longer see vehicles coming and going.  My neighbor and friend Janet moved to Florida, and when she lived here and we were friends, I would see her as she would drive by.  We walked a lot together and during that time I lost a lot of weight.  I'm working on this again, but these days I no longer have a walking friend.

This morning I awoke, and then went back to sleep.  I had a dream about  my Crabapple trees in the front of my house.  In the dream, it was just another day.  Suddenly, a landscapping crew pulled up in front of my house with the truck engines still running.  In a very fast cartoonish way, this crew with buzz saws cut the tops of the trees off, leaving a wide open space.   I remember thinking in the dream, "Oh, now I can see cars passing again", and then I woke up.

The dream was so real to me, that upon waking I was upset and anxious because I didn't know if this had actually happened or not.  In that moment I was grieving for the loss of the trees, until I walked to the window and saw that the trees had not been touched.  I was relieved.

So, what does this mean?  Well, yesterday, I had a very good day.  I went to get my quilt, but didn't have the money or a check so I had to leave it and I still need to go back to get it.  However, I handled it well, no scene or upset or drama.  Then I had my monthly appointment with my psychiatrist.  It was a great session, and I point blank asked him the truth of what was really going on with me.  He said that although my life is definately filled with adventure and interesting stories, I'm handling it all very well.  The medication, combined with the ending of menapause and the "Change of Life" has put me firmly and squarely on the path to enlightenment.  All is well with me.  I thanked him for saving my life.

What I think this dream really means is that my "view" of myself is changing.  What I couldn't "see" about myself, I can now see and understand.  It's ok to trust myself.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: tired

Current Music: BBC Radio Wales

When my Grandmamma died three years ago, among her things was a quilt top.  I believe it is one that she worked on herself by hand.  

Last August I finally decided to have the top made into a quilt blanket, so I took it to a place in Berkley.  I was told by the woman that does the quilting that it would be at least til after the holidays before she could work on it.  I finally decided to go by there last week to see what had happened with the quilt.  Apparently, the woman had my quilt, but my information got seperated from it, so she did not know who the quilt belonged to or how to contact them.  She was extremely happy that I connected with her, as she was worried that the owner (me) would not get the quilt back.

She worked on the quilt all weekend long and today she called me and said it was ready to be picked up!  Apparently, it is absolutely beautiful.  I'm excited to get it back and see what it looks like.  Having said that, I did not go to get it.

I don't know why I procrastinate so.  This is a problem for me.  I'm trying to get to the root of my feelings about this.  Could it be that seeing the quilt will remind me of my Grandmamma and the loss connected with her?  Could it be I'm fearful that I will be didisapointed and get angry?  Is it that I feel I don't deserve it?  I really don't know.

What I know for sure, is that I choose to handle the situation whatever the outcome with class, grace, and dignity.  I am very grateful that this well meaning soul worked on this precious heirloom.  I will communicate those feelings, and feel good about me being in charge of my emotions, instead of my emotions ruling me.

I'm grateful for what I'm learning about myself.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: relieved

Current Music: None

I have finally made a choice about writing on a regular basis.  I'm going to experiement with this and see what happens.

Today was a hot and muggy day.  Cloudy and rainey.  It was a busy day for me, even though I didn't leave the house.  We have decided it's time to see this house because we can no longer afford to live here.  There are some things we need to do to "freshen the house up"so we can get the best price.  We have no idea where we will live after this.  It will entirely depend on what we can afford.  

This is my dream home.  I love living here.  I had a painter come over and give me an estimate.  He suggested I put a wood flooring in the kitchen and breakfast room, change the carpeting, and a few other things.  I'm frustrated because to do these things will cost at least ten thousand dollars that I don't have.  Then to not be able to enjoy it myself and have to sell it hurts my spirit.

I'm lonely and I'm missing Heemes.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood: frustrated

Current Music: None